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Ambiguous Loss

November 30, 2017

This summer, I did some research for a class I was taking. I interviewed 7 couples who were members of the Church of Christ and have a child on the autism spectrum. I spent time asking about what they needed and desired from a congregation during the diagnosis process and what churches could do to reach out to them. Because autistic behaviors are specific to each individual child, the stories of each family varied in the same way each child does. Yet there were some commonalities. A couple of months ago, I had the privilege of sharing this information at Harding’s lectureship, and I thought I would post some of what I learned on this blog, over the next few weeks, with the hope that it might help someone.

The first thing I noticed as I was doing my literature review and comparing what I read to what I found in the interviews was this: Almost every parent I talked with described the autism diagnosis with the language of grief. That is natural, and understandable. That is certainly the way I recall that moment in our lives. But I also found that this kind of grief had a distinct characteristic: it was ambiguous.

In the 1970’s, Pauline Boss began researching losses that were not clearly defined. She started with families of soldiers who went missing during battle. These families struggled with closure. Does that soldier’s mother grieve as if her son is dead? Do they have a funeral service? Or does she hold out hope, looking forward to the day her child comes back to her? This gave rise to what Boss eventually termed “ambiguous loss.” It has since been applied to many different areas, including care for those with terminal illnesses (where there are questions about how and when treatments, etc. are working) and care for those with Alzheimer’s (when it is unpredictable how a loved one will behave from one day to the next). It has also been applied to a diagnosis of autism.

When parents receive that diagnosis, a torrent of questions floods their minds. They want to know what the future will hold: How will their child continue to develop? What should they expect? How can they tell the difference between autistic behavior and normal childlike behavior? They questions go on and on, and since every case is different, the physician giving the diagnosis cannot answer that question. This why when you ask parents who have received that diagnosis what you can do for them, they will often answer, “I don’t know.” That is just one of many things they don’t know at that time!

One study of 20 parents of autistic children defined it this way: “Learning of the diagnosis and hearing the word autism was reported by parents as a highly emotional moment. A diagnosis of ASD is perceived with the same intensity as death. The word autism signifies the loss of a ‘healthy’ child with whom they had been living until that moment. Uncertainty about the diagnosis appears related to ambiguity about the prognosis and development of their child.” (Fernańdez-Alcántara, M., García-Caro, M.P., Pérez-Marfil, M.N., Hueso-Montoro, C., Laynez-Rubio, C., & Cruz-Quintana, F. (2016). “Feelings of loss and grief in parents of children diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).” Research in Developmental Disabilities, 55, 312-321.)

Also, for a brief illustration of a few of the emotions surrounding a diagnosis, you can check out this scene from the show Parenthood. I think it does a pretty good job in a couple of minutes touching on some of the feelings parents experience.

Parent’s Reaction to the Diagnosis

As in any type of grief, it seems to me the first and best strategy to help is compassionate listening. The parents I interviewed would light up when they described people who proactively took an interest in their child and were willing to listen to them. I can think of several friends and family members that let me ramble on and on to them about what was happening (and they still do that). I left those conversations feeling better, simply because I knew they listened and I knew they cared. So, the first thing I was reminded of when doing this research – compassionate listening is vital.

So, if you are wondering how you could help parents you know who have received an autism diagnosis, compassionate listening is where I would begin. There are no easy answers, especially when the future is still unclear, but knowing that someone else genuinely cares can give you strength to face whatever comes next.


Ministering to Those on the Spectrum

March 22, 2016

As I tried to write down thoughts about ministering to those on the autism spectrum, I realized this post was getting to be too long. So here is part 1. Serving those on the spectrum involves ministering to the parents just as much as the children. Here are a couple of things to remember…


  1. Try to See (from the parents’ point of view)

All parents face challenges in bringing children to worship services and Bible classes, but there are some challenges specifically related to children on the spectrum. I talked on the phone with a father about a year ago who was thinking about bringing his family to visit, but he was concerned because he had a child on the spectrum who would sometimes grunt or make loud noises unexpectedly. He was worried they might be disruptive, and there wasn’t anything they could do to control those noises. We talked for a while, I shared our story, and we even had a few Graymere members on the lookout for this family so they could welcome them, but they never visited. I wish we could have had the chance to encourage them, but I can understand his hesitation.


Before we had children, I had a LOT of opinions about how my children would behave. I knew exactly what I would to ensure they displayed manners, sat calmly during a worship service, and spoke to others with respect. Can anyone else relate to having excellent parenting opinions before actual parenting experience? When we did have our first child, I learned what every parent learns – parenting isn’t as straightforward as you thought it was.


This is also an important lesson to learn for children on the spectrum. Let’s say a boy on the spectrum begins to have a “melt-down.” He is kicking, screaming, and crying. You can try to reason with him, and you can even try to discipline him, but at that moment, he isn’t thinking clearly. You are asking him to control emotions which are currently out of his control. A better strategy might be to take the child into another room, away from people and other stimuli, and hold the child to provide a sense of stability during the meltdown. For some, rubbing the arms and doing joint compressions helps relieve stress. Others respond well to weighted blankets that give them a sense of security. Once the meltdown is over, you can have a discussion about what happened. At least that is true in our case – for some children on the spectrum, a discussion about a meltdown is not possible.


Here’s the tough part about this. If you didn’t know the situation, it might look like the parents are allowing this meltdown to occur because of a lack of discipline. Before I had kids, if I saw a situation like that, I would have been tempted to think, “Well, those parents just need stricter discipline. I could solve that problem if it were my child.” What I would not have realized is that there was far more at play in this situation then I knew and that the parents understood the situation much better than I did. Believe me, I have learned that the hard way.


The flip side of that coin is that children are children, and all children need boundaries and discipline. So there are other times that same boy will do something just because he is a boy, and he needs to be punished to learn the consequences of his actions. Every parent has the responsibility of discipline. The challenge for a parent of a child on the spectrum is determining which is which. Do I need to allow space for him to calm down because this is a spectrum issue, or do I discipline him because he should know better? I don’t mind telling you this is one of the most challenging things we deal with, and we haven’t always gotten it right.


This brings me to one of the reasons I can brag on our church family. Everyone at Graymere has been understanding as we have tried to teach our children. They have been good sports when Luke or Micah was in a bad mood, and no one has minded when we have had to take a few minutes to deal with a meltdown. I think having such a large group of people who love them and want to talk to them every day has really helped them develop. I know it has helped them increase eye contact and respond more politely (not 100% of the time, but we are working on it). Ultimately, they have loved us, supported us, and simply let us be a family that is trying to figure things out, which means the world to us.


  1. Try to Listen (to parents and teachers).

When you have a child on the spectrum, you develop a “team” of sorts. It might be made up of a special needs teacher, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, a behavioral therapist, or all of the above. You get used to meeting with different people and keeping up with what everyone has to say, and it is all valuable. You do a lot of listening, so it is always helpful to vent. I can’t count the number of times I have caught myself rambling on to a friend at Graymere about what was happening in our lives and what we were learning about autism. I always appreciated the patience of those who would let me rattle on and encourage me. I have a hunch that if parents of a child on the spectrum attend your congregation, they could use that same kind of listening ear.


If a child in your Bible class is on the spectrum, be sure to listen to the parents. They will know best what to watch out for and how to handle issues as they arise. Be honest with them about behaviors you notice in class. I can’t speak for everyone, but I would imagine most parents will want Bible class teachers to tell them about anything that needs addressing so that they could work on those things at home. Our boys have been blessed by excellent teachers. We always appreciate knowing if something happened in class.


Also, listen to them tell you what their child enjoys – activities he likes or games she likes to play. This will help you have something to talk to the child about, and it will help you see the person instead of the diagnosis. Depending on the circumstances, this can be challenging, especially if the child is not verbal. Yet making the effort goes a long way for the family. A child on the spectrum might avoid eye contact or take a long time to reply to a greeting (if at all). Don’t let that discourage you from greeting that child (the parents are likely working on the issue, and more learning opportunities are helpful in that process), just realize that is common behavior.


If you have teachers in your congregation, be sure to listen to them. They will be your best resource in this area. Even if they do not teach classes of special needs children, they have likely taught students on the spectrum and done coursework or continuing education in that area. Several members at Graymere have experience in the field of special needs, and they were (and are) incredibly helpful to us. Their advice has been invaluable.


I hope that has been helpful; feel free to leave other thoughts and insights in the comments section!


A Story I Want To Share

March 15, 2016

I was recently honored to participate in a panel discussion on how the church can minister to children on the autism spectrum. I have been thinking about that discussion ever since, and I wanted to share some thoughts on the subject. This is the first of a few posts on the topic.

I am certainly not a trained expert in the field, but I am a parent of two children on the spectrum. I have learned a great deal over the last few years through doctors’ appointments, helpful resources, conversations with friends and family members, and my own observations. Of course, every child is different, which means that our experience will likely be different than someone else’s. As they say, “If you have met one child with autism, then you have met one child with autism.” No two situations are identical. With that in mind, if you or someone you love is impacted by autism, my prayer is that this article will be encouraging.

Our Story

2011 was a big year for our family in many ways. Within the span of 3 months, we celebrated our son Luke’s third birthday, we welcomed our son Micah into the world, and we moved from Russellville, Kentucky to Columbia, Tennessee, where I began preaching for the Graymere Church of Christ. Transitions are emotional times. We said goodbye to good friends and moved all our belongings to another state (while keeping up with a 3 year old and a 7 week old). It takes time to settle into new routines, and we were welcomed here by people who have quickly become close friends and blessed our lives tremendously.


We moved at the end of May, and over the next few weeks and months, we noticed behavior in Luke that concerned us. We were experiencing more than our share of “melt-downs,” and he seemed to be overly focused on certain activities. We began to think this might be more than the usual three year old behavior. With the help of our pediatrician and a friend who is a counselor, we enrolled in Columbia’s Regional Intervention Parenting program (RIP, for short). We met some wonderful counselors who worked with us, got to know Luke, and guided us on our path to finding out our next steps.


After weeks of consultations with speech therapists and occupational therapists, we wound up spending the better part of a day at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. They administered the ADOS test (among others), which determines whether or not a child is on the autism spectrum. The final diagnosis was that Luke is on the spectrum. While previous diagnostic manuals would have stated Luke has Aspergers, the newest edition of the DSM treats every autism diagnosis as simply being “on the spectrum.” Shortly before Luke’s fourth birthday, we received this information and began the journey of learning what we could do to help him.


Autism is more common in boys than girls, and it shows up often in siblings of those on the spectrum. Our son Micah was enrolled in a Vanderbilt study that gave the ADOS test to siblings of children who had been diagnosed with autism. Over the last 3 ½ years, Micah has been tested multiple times as part of this study, and the final result is that he is also on the autism spectrum. While he and Luke are different, they are both “high-functioning,” which means you would need to spend some time with them to notice anything different.


Throughout this entire process, Kathryn and I were surrounded with blessings. We know that God was with us, and our parents, siblings and their families have been incredibly supportive. Our Graymere church family has been encouraging every step of the way, and I am thankful every day for their influence on our children. Their understanding and love for our boys has made a huge difference.


Let me make this clear – we love our lives, and we love our children. I think about how proud I am of them every day. They are growing and learning in ways that constantly amaze us. While we might not have chosen this diagnosis for them, we also realize that everyone faces challenges. When I look at my two boys, I don’t see a diagnosis. I see my sons. Yes, Luke is on the spectrum. He is also left-handed. He likes Star Wars, Legos, and Taekwando. There are many different aspects of his personality that make up who he is. Yes, Micah is on the spectrum. He also has blonde hair. He enjoys playing with cars and trains and laughing at a cartoon bear named Bernard. His diagnosis is a part of his story, but it is not the whole story. Kathryn and I feel that our job as parents is to equip them with the tools to help them as they grow and mature. Learning more about autism has also taught me there are many other families dealing with much more challenging circumstances than we are, and I am inspired by their efforts.

I know you didn’t ask for my opinion, but…

If you are a parent who is currently considering testing for your child, I would strongly encourage you to do it. Because of her background as a teacher, Kathryn was much more in tune to the issues than I was, and she did an incredible job of gathering information so that we could make a good decision. is a helpful resource to discover more about autism and what indicators parents should be looking for in their children. It would be a good place to begin.


I get it – this is not fun to think about. I can still remember asking our speech therapist for an honest opinion on whether or not Luke was on the spectrum. She gave me her honest opinion, which was yes, and I was upset. It wasn’t her fault; she was kindly doing what I asked her to do. It just took me a couple of days to come to grips with that reality. By the way, I felt the same way when Micah was diagnosed. In both cases, it was not unexpected, but it did give me a shock to the system. That is a natural human response. But I think all parents realize that parenting involves facing difficult truths, praying about them, and doing your best to handle them. This is one of those tough areas, but there is so much that can be done for a child once you face it.


I would recommend taking your child to a speech therapist or a counselor with experience treating children. They cannot usually give a diagnosis in one session, but after two or three, they will be able to provide direction on whether or not to be tested. Think about it – what is the worst thing that could happen? For example, if you make an appointment with a speech therapist and there is no need to proceed any further, then you have just given your child a one-on-one session with a trained professional to help them work on speech and fluency. Sounds like a good deal to me!


If your child receives an autism diagnosis from a trained professional, a world of resources opens up to you. Since Luke and Micah are high-functioning, their scores were not low enough to qualify for speech therapy or occupational therapy from the school system. But once we received the diagnosis from Vanderbilt, we were able to get early intervention that made a huge difference for Luke and is currently making a similar difference for Micah. I cannot emphasize enough the impact of early intervention; we were amazed at how much Luke grew and developed through two years of in-school intervention. Even though it was not easy to go through all of that testing, it was worth it once I saw how much intervention helped.


We have not talked with our boys about autism yet. We would like Luke to be more mature before we bring that up, and we are consulting with a counselor to determine the best way to go about it. But I have decided I want to talk more openly with others about what we have learned (hence this blog post). If only one family reads this and comes away encouraged, then it would be worth it to me. There are many lessons left for us to learn on this journey, and we are confident God will continue to see us through them. The next blog entry will focus on how we can minister to those on the spectrum.

A True Encourager

December 1, 2015

A year ago, Laray Rector passed away. He was loved by many, and one of the ways he blessed my life was through his encouragement. A few years ago, several Graymere members compiled a devotional book. Each writer was assigned a range of passages to select for a devotional thought, and Laray chose to focus on encouragement. Although he may not have thought about it, he was describing himself. I thought it would be fitting today to share it as a way we can all focus on encouraging others.

Week 10 – A True Encourager (Acts 20)
By Laray Rector

We live in a world that is constantly changing around us. The economy is in turmoil. Nations struggle for independence. The pace of life seems to only get faster. In the midst of so much uncertainty, it is easy to become a little discouraged. At times all of us need someone to lean on; someone to “pick us up”. It seems that when we need it the most, God provides us with an encourager. William Arthur Ward once wrote, “Flatter me and I may not believe you. Criticize me and I may not like you. Ignore me and I may not forgive you. Encourage me and I will not forget you.” People who “lift us up” make lasting impacts on our lives.


Barnabas is the first name that comes to our mind when we think of a New Testament encourager, but Paul also provides a great example for us. In Acts 19, Paul arrives in Ephesus as part of his third missionary journey. He spends more than two years there teaching and preaching; his words confirmed by many miracles. Acts 19:20 says the message spread widely and grew in power. Paul’s preaching disrupted the commerce at Ephesus and the end result was a riot. When the people settled down and the rioting ended, Paul decides to continue his journey to Jerusalem by way of Macedonia. Paul calls together the disciples whom he has grown to love and encourages them (Acts 20:1). As his travels continue, he encourages all the believers in the towns he passes through (Acts 20:2).

Eventually, Paul ends up at Troas. He stays only a week there, but makes the most of his time, preaching until early in the morning even on the day of his departure. Paul decides not to go back to Ephesus; however, he cannot miss one last opportunity to encourage them. He calls for the elders to meet with him at Miletus. His words to the Ephesian elders give us valuable insight in how we can encourage others.


He begins by recalling his struggles and trials. When others see us bravely overcome obstacles in our lives, they are encouraged. Paul then challenges the elders to lead the church that Christ died for. We encourage others by placing the same value on the church as God does. Finally, Paul entrusted them to God and His Word. Bringing God’s word to others, which is able to convict, convert and to build them up may be the most important work of encouragement we could ever do.


Acts 20 closes with Paul’s farewell prayer with the Ephesians. They wept bitterly as he left. Paul encouraged them and we can be certain they never forgot him. Let’s strive to be the people who “lift up those around us.” We too will benefit. Proverbs 11:25 says, “He who refreshes others, will himself be refreshed.”

Bringing Children to Worship

September 21, 2015

I have had this article rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now. This weekend, Graymere hosted a parenting workshop with Lonnie Jones, and one of our discussion times brought up the ever-present challenge of sitting in a worship service with small children. For years now, I have watched Kathryn do an incredible job with our children on Sunday mornings, allowing me freedom to focus on preaching, teaching, connecting with people, etc. It is always encouraging to see parents bring children to worship, but I know it isn’t easy. So, here are some thoughts on the subject –

When you bring your children to worship…
…you have to set the alarm early, because it takes a lot more time to get a child ready than it does to get yourself ready.
…you have to deal with several issues before you even leave your driveway, including but not limited to – child not wanting to get out of bed, child not wanting breakfast, child wanting juice instead of milk, child changing his/her mind after the juice has been poured and deciding on milk instead, child not liking the clothes that have been picked out, child not liking other clothes you hold up as possible options, child determined to wear the one pair of pants you really don’t want him/her to wear, entire family putting everything on hold and spending 20 minutes searching for the child’s shoes, baby needing a diaper change as soon as everyone gets in the car, etc.
…you have to be “on duty” during the entire worship service. You are the guardian of the goldfish, cheerios, or fruit snacks, who must use caution so that supplies don’t run out before the service is over.
…you have to multi-task, attempting to listen during the sermon while keeping children quiet and still (relatively speaking). There are some Sundays you wonder if you even heard two sentences of the sermon.
…you have to carry their weight – literally. A child that falls asleep in your arms will likely do one of two things – 1. Function as a space heater that does not require electricity but leaves drool on your shoulder, or 2. Use his/her weight to cause your entire arm and shoulder to fall asleep.
…you have to be prepared for your child to be talking to another adult and suddenly share something you said you didn’t know he or she overheard.

But, when you bring your children to worship…
…you tell them by your actions how important worship is to you. They will never forget the priorities you show them as they grow up, and when they are adults they will be comforted and inspired by your faith.
…you give them knowledge of God’s Word. They might not always talk to you about it, and they might not always pay attention, but they are learning about God during the sermon and memorizing words to songs that teach them important spiritual principles.
…you pave the way for them to have faith of their own. Our Christian lives aren’t limited to what happens in a Sunday morning worship service, but worshipping God and being around other Christians will teach life lessons that cannot be found anywhere else.
…you give your church family the opportunity to follow Jesus’ instruction and welcome little children.
…you put smiles on the faces of other parents of small children as they realize they are not alone.
…you put smiles on the faces of parents whose children are teenagers, as they reminisce about what that phase of life was like for them. (Apparently, memories of early alarm clocks and diaper changes become less stressful over time).
…you put smiles on the faces of many grandparents who don’t live in the same town as their grandchildren, and they love to see yours.
…you set an example to younger people that if and when they have children, they will know what a Christian parent looks like.
…you reassure a single parent visiting worship (who is already worried about how his/her children will behave) that children are loved and accepted in your church family.
…you encourage others in many other ways that you will probably never know.

Thank you for bringing your children to worship. I know it is tiring. I know it is time-consuming.

I also know it is worth it.

Eugene Peterson on Idolatry

March 22, 2015

Tonight, the message at Graymere will focus on idolatry, and this quote from Christ Plays in 10,000 Places has been on my mind all week (and will make an appearance in the sermon):

“An idol is god with all the God taken out. God depersonalized, God derelationalized, a god that we can use and enlist and fantasize without ever once having to (maybe “getting to” is the better phrase) receive or give love, and then go on to live, however falteringly, at our most human. The essence of idolatry is depersonalization. The idol is a form of divinity that requires no personal relationship. The idol is a form of divinity that I can manipulate and control. The idol reverses the God/creature relationship: now I am the god and the idol is the creature.”

How We Talk About the Church

March 6, 2015

Disclaimer: I have had some of these thoughts rattling around in my head for a few months. I was talking with a friend a while back who said I should blog about them (so you can blame him for this!). This is not a response to any specific article, conversation, or statement. Instead, it is a collection of thoughts on a trend I have seen over the years. I hope it is helpful.

“Now, I grew up in the Church of Christ, but…”
When I hear that statement, I usually brace myself. I do it because of what is coming next. Over the last few years, it seems like I have heard that phrase used often as an introduction to a criticism (fair or unfair) about the Church of Christ. It might be phrased like, “I am thankful for my heritage, but…” or “I am glad my parents took me to church growing up, but…” In the south, we often joke that we can say anything we want about someone as long as we begin with, “Bless their heart…” We can gossip about an individual or insult that person, and as long as we include the magic phrase, we are off the hook.

That is how this statement about growing up in the Church of Christ often works; it supposedly gives us the leeway to say whatever we want to about the church. Over the years, I have heard people make that statement and then say, “We have never gotten this right in the Church of Christ,” or “We have always done this in the Church of Christ…” Now, I realize that in all of our families, we have inside jokes and we poke fun at each other. I don’t take myself or my ministry so seriously that I can’t laugh at the funny little things about us. It is healthy for us to be able to laugh about our own tendencies and mistakes. I also realize the importance of honest self-examination. What I am talking about here is the kind of criticism that tends to see only faults and failures. Sometimes it almost seems like a sport to see how many jokes you can make at the expense of the church.

In one sense, I get it. I understand that we are sometimes frustrated by issues in the church. We are working with people after all. There are times when we can do some good by bringing up these challenges. Here is all I ask – Before you are tempted to criticize or make fun of the Church of Christ because of a frustration you have, ask yourself these questions:

1. Is this an overgeneralization?
We know what an overgeneralization is – making a general statement that goes beyond the evidence. Let’s say I go to the Wendy’s by my house tomorrow and receive awful service. If I respond by saying, “Wendy’s restaurants have terrible customer service,” I am making an overgeneralization. There are locations all over America, and while I have been to a few with poor service, I have been to others with great service. I can’t judge every location based on my experience with one.

The same thing is true with church experience. I CANNOT judge the entirety of what every congregation thinks or does based on what my congregation thinks or does. It is easy to make my experience with the church normative and to judge the Church of Christ as a whole based on it. It is easy to say, “Well the Church of Christ has always done this,” if that is what my congregation always did growing up. But that would be an overgeneralization. Two years ago, someone told me, “I grew up in the Church of Christ, which means I didn’t get any teaching on the Old Testament,” and then laughed. That sounds to me like an overgeneralization. Should we really believe that no Church of Christ anywhere provides a healthy amount of teaching on Old Testament? Is that a fair statement? I wondered what his preacher would have said about that; he might have preached and taught out of the Old Testament more than this man realized.

2. Have I considered this from another perspective?
I go to a lot of preachers meetings, mostly because I enjoy hanging out with guys in ministry and learning from them. I can still remember one preacher’s meeting that took place almost ten years ago now. Jim Bill McInteer, one of my preaching heroes, was giving announcements at a meeting he regularly hosted. He mentioned that he had been asked a question recently, and then he paused. The question was – “Why did it take the Church of Christ so long to discover grace?” I watched this man, who had lovingly preached the gospel for decades, tear up and say, “I was under the impression I had been preaching grace my whole life.” It might have been that the person who asked the question had just recently discovered grace, but that was not the case for every person.

The “millennials” get a lot of press these days, and we definitely need to take seriously the task of reaching this age group. Yet we need to be careful that we don’t turn our back on the wisdom of those who have gone before us. The other day, I mentioned to one of our older members that I was listening to an audio book about World War II. He replied, “I fought in that war. I was in Patton’s Third Army.” I couldn’t believe it – I had been listening to all the challenges that army faced, and I had no idea that someone I worship with every week had fought those battles as an 18 year old! I never would have found that out if I hadn’t talked to him, and I wish I would have discovered it sooner. I wonder how many rich stories about faith and lessons about living for the Lord could bless our lives, if only we would intentionally learn from those who have different experiences than our own. When we see life from their perspective, we might see there is more than one side to our complaint.

3. When I make this statement, will people be able to tell I love the church?
Here is the one that it vitally important. Everyone disagrees on something when it comes to church work: ministry strategies, church programs, etc. Yet I hope all of us can agree on loving the church. If I love the church, then the way I speak should reflect that. If you knew I claimed to love my wife, yet I constantly complained about her, would you think there was an issue? If I regularly started conversations with, “Well, I have been married a long time, but…” and then proceeded to make fun of her, would you think there was a problem? Out of the heart, the mouth speaks. If I am constantly belittling or making fun of the church, that says something about what is in my heart.

The church is described in scripture as the bride of Christ. There are other great things we can be involved in to do good for others – schools, ministry organizations, non-profits, etc. but none of those has the exalted status God gave the church. Kathryn and I are involved in several other groups, and we are glad to do it, but because our ultimate allegiance is to God, none of those groups have priority over the church. People can tell from talking to us what we love. Can they tell I love the church?

I know we aren’t perfect. Our congregations aren’t perfect. I know there are frustrations. Yet I also know that people listen to what we say, and they read our posts on facebook (whether we ever know about it or not). Our attitude about the church can have a dramatic impact on those people. I hope that these three questions can help us discern what we should say and how we should say it.

Ready or Not

December 12, 2013

             I had to take a test yesterday, and I did not feel ready. You know the feeling – you have studied for hours, but the material still seems overwhelming. You ask yourself review questions, but you know there are details you don’t remember. You wonder what the essay questions will be like, and what length your answer should be to get the maximum amount of points. Then you wonder whether or not you know enough about the subject to make an answer last that long. I didn’t feel ready, but it was time.

            Maybe that is just me, but I don’t know if I have ever felt “ready” for a test. I always feel like one more look through my notes will help. There is always at least one question on a test (often more than one) that makes me kick myself for not paying more attention to a certain block of material. But I had to take it today. I took the test, not because I was ready, but because it was time.

            It would have been easier to put it off until tomorrow, or maybe even Friday. During that time, I could go over the lecture notes, and maybe even see if Kathryn would ask me review questions out loud. If I wanted to get really creative, I could make a mock test of my own and see how I would do. I could do additional reading on the subject to shed extra light on the areas I need to know. It would certainly be more comfortable to keep studying, and I wouldn’t risk getting a bad grade if I avoided taking the test. But it was time.

            I enjoy reading, and I love ministry. This means I like to read things about ministry – books, blog posts, and everything in between. There is no shortage of material online today about how Christianity is declining, and specifically what the Church of Christ should do in order to grow. That is what blogs are designed to do, share opinions and exchange ideas about topics that matter, and the church certainly matters. I have learned a great deal about life, ministry, and scripture from reading these kinds of blog entries (and even the comments sections).

            But I believe there can be an unintended consequence to some of this discussion, if we are not careful. It becomes easy to focus on the shortcomings of the church and dwell on what we should be doing differently. The church is made up of human beings, and you won’t catch me arguing that we always act perfectly. We need to have a healthy discontent with the status quo and dream of what God could do through us in the future. But dwelling on only those thoughts can turn self-reflection into inaction. Negative thinking can take hold, and before long, our conversation is filled primarily with what the church has done or is doing wrong, with little thought to the ways God is blessing us and giving us opportunities to serve.

          In some cases, the church and its members become the brunt of jokes about tradition, belief, etc. I realize we need to be able to laugh at ourselves, but we can all tell when the line has been crossed and the discussion goes from light-hearted to cynical. About a year ago, I was surprised to hear the way my four year old son was talking to our dog. Our miniature schnauzer tends to bark a lot, and he harshly commanded her to “Be Quiet!” My surprise wore off when I realized he had learned how to do that by listening to me. Our dog’s barking can be annoying, and I have snapped at her more than once. That is where he picked up the command, as well as the tone of voice. Here’s a question – if our children constantly hear us making jokes at the expense of the church and making cynical, sarcastic comments about it, what are they learning to say?

            What is tempting about all of this is that it is much easier to stay in a state of inaction rather than to step out in service. It is more convenient to say, “If only the church were more like (fill in the blank), then we could really grow.” “If only we would (fill in the blank), more people would want to be involved.” “If our understanding could progress to the point that we realize (fill in the blank), then we would have enthusiastic Christians ready to shine God’s light throughout the world.” “If these things would happen, then we would be ready to make a difference.”

            So we wait.

            Here’s the thing – I think we have a choice to make. We can choose to wait until everyone in the church was more like (fill in the blank), begins to (fill in the blank), and realizes (fill in the blank), and then we can begin doing the work of ministry. Or, we could understand that people are imperfect and start serving anyway. If we opt for Door #1, then we will be waiting a looong time. If we opt for Door #2, we might be surprised. I think it is possible that the church can grow and people can be reached when they see loving, sincere Christians reflecting Christ in everyday service. Excited servants of God might even get other Christians excited to serve. Who knows what could happen if we begin serving with our entire beings?

            We could put this off. Choosing to do that would probably be easier, at least at first. We would avoid having to face failure or feeling rejected others. We could keep our conversations about the church hypothetical, and future possibilities could remain only possibilities. We might wish things were different. We might wish Christians were perfect. We might not feel ready to serve.

          But it is time.

          Ready or not…

Heritage Seminar

September 12, 2013

There are some topics that can be tough for us to address in Bible classes. They are challenging because they are subjects that can make us uncomfortable, and dealing with their practical consequences in our world can be difficult. I am glad to see that Heritage Christian University is taking on some of those topics and providing a good forum to have scriptural, constructive lessons on their theme – The Sexual and the Spiritual. The slate of speakers is excellent, and I know they will share some beneficial, practical messages. Here is the link to the brochure:

I have really enjoyed getting to visit Heritage for several events over the last couple of years – I am impressed with what they are doing and the way they care about equipping churches and families.


August 27, 2013

I have been thinking today about a statement I heard recently in a class I am taking. Dr. Phil Slate was speaking about world evangelism, and he said, “The gospel is always an intrusion in everyone’s culture. It calls for a change. To say otherwise would say that a culture does not need the gospel.”

I thought about this as I read all the responses to what Miley Cyrus did at the VMA’s. I haven’t seen it, and don’t intend to, but I have read enough to get an idea of what happened. I read some really helpful blog posts, as several worked through how Christians should respond to something like that. It is interesting to me that while so much attention has been given to her performance, no one has said much about the lyrics to the actual song, Blurred Lines. Those words are every bit as vulgar as the performance – should we really be surprised at what happened when the verses were acted out? It is a reminder to us that the gospel intrudes on our culture, a culture that worships celebrities and glamorizes sex. Our culture needs the gospel.

Of course, 50-60 years ago, this performance would not have been allowed on television. This is a far cry from Elvis or the Beatles performing on the Ed Sullivan show. Yet that doesn’t mean that era (or any era in our history) was perfect. I have a file of printed sermons from years ago that were preached by Batsell Barrett Baxter, a tremendous preacher. As I leaf through the pages, I can see that he was addressing serious issues facing the Christians. The challenges might have been different, but they were every bit as real and difficult. The gospel still intruded on that culture.

In Acts 4, Peter and John were taken into custody after healing a man and preaching in the temple area. They were arrested by the priests, the captain of the temple, and the Sadducees, and they were not arrested for what they were doing so much as what they were teaching – Jesus Christ and resurrection from the dead. There were many who believed their message that day, but there were many others who did not. The council of rulers, elders, and scribes who should have been looking for signs of the Messiah urged Peter and John to stop preaching about Jesus. Even in a culture of those who had faith in God, the gospel was intruding.

In Acts 19, Paul was in Ephesus, and he caused a riot. Not directly, but the riot started because of the message Paul was preaching. A silversmith named Demetrius called some other workers together, and he told them about what Paul was saying. These workers made a lot of money by producing shrines and other artifacts for the worship of Artemis, but Paul was convincing people that idols were not really gods. This put their business in danger, and it wasn’t long before the whole assembly was dragging Paul’s friends into the theater, chanting about Artemis of the Ephesians. Paul was bringing them the message of the true God, and the gospel was intruding on their culture.

Events like the VMA performance can remind us of that we live in a fallen world. They can remind us that our culture often highlights lifestyles that are far from holy. Yet they can also remind us that our culture needs the intrusion of the gospel. It always has, and it still does. To say otherwise would mean that we don’t need the gospel. And we do.